The first significant relationships
we have are usually within our families. By
seeing how people relate to you and to each
other, you begin to piece together a story of
what relationships are all about.
As a child, you receive a variety of unconscious
messages which you carry with you into later
life. Broadly speaking, these messages fall
into the following key areas.
Messages about trust
Are you the jealous type? Do you feel
easily rejected? Do you struggle to make a commitment?
Many such issues can be traced back to childhood.
If you came from a family in which you felt
safe and secure, you'll probably find it easy
to trust people as an adult. However, if you
felt rejected, or lost someone close to you,
you may find it harder to believe that others
will love you and treat you well.
The ability to trust is very important in adult
relationships. If things have happened in your
past that have damaged your trust, you may find
you need the understanding support of your partner
to rebuild your faith in others.
Messages about communicating
If you find it easy to show your emotions,
chances are you were brought up in a home where
you were encouraged to be open about how you
felt. You probably saw other people arguing
- and saw them make up, too.
This taught you that conflict isn't the end
of the world and communicating is a way of making
life better.
The healthiest relationships are those where
individuals can express themselves honestly
and appropriately. It can be just as damaging
to grow up in a family where disputes are ignored
as it is to grow up in an angry hot-house.
For tips on having healthy and non-destructive
arguments, see Productive
arguing.
Messages about authority
and control
When adults grow up finding it difficult
to cope with sharing or competition, often the
root of the problem is a family where authority
and control were badly managed.
If you learnt as a child that sharing was fun,
you'll become an adult who enjoys sharing. If
you grew up understanding that certain rules
were in your best interests, you're less likely
to have problems with authority.
We all need to feel we have control over our
lives, and a child who's given responsibility
from an early age is more likely to grow up
feeling self-confident about the decisions they
make - and the mistakes.
Learning throughout life
As well as these key relationship areas,
we learn what being a couple is about from watching
our parents. Even if you were raised in a single-parent
family, you'll have learnt from the relationships
your parent was in, or developed expectations
about what being alone is like.
Whatever your situation, you'll have picked
up important messages about:
- How much time couples should spend together
and what they do together
- How couples sort out disagreements and what
sort of things they disagree about
- How much affection they show each other
and when and where can this be done
- Things which men are better at than women
and vice versa
- Who's in charge of earning the money and
who's in charge of spending it
- Who has the final word when making decisions
- Who's in charge of the house and home and
who does what chores
- What sex is all about
- What men and women do when they're not with
each other
- How men and women behave differently when
they're angry or sad
- Who does what when something sad happens
- How to celebrate special occasions
- What men and women do that makes each other
sad and happy
- Whether it's better to be in a couple than
to be single
Remember, it's never too late to learn. Whatever
messages you may have picked up, it's up to
you to decide if you agree with them or not.
And if you don't agree, you can develop new
messages over time.
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