Bonding
as a couple
While you obviously
need to be aware of
your children's needs,
this doesn't mean your
relationship with your
partner should suffer.
It's recognised that
a strong bond between
a couple is important
for the long-term happiness
of a family as a whole.
You need to protect
your relationship with
firm boundaries.
- Make time for you
and your partner to
get out on your own,
even if it's just
a walk once a week.
- When you're alone
together, don't always
discuss the kids.
Take the chance to
talk about each other
and your hopes and
dreams.
- Create space in
your home that's just
yours. This could
be the sofa, for example,
or particular seats
where you sit and
talk together in the
evening.
- Show open affection
towards each other
to reinforce the fact
that you're a couple.
- Build a special
bond by developing
your own special code
words and signals.
A
child's-eye view
When family members
are openly against your
relationship, you're
bound to feel hurt and
angry. If it's your
children causing the
problem, you may also
feel embarrassed and
guilty; if it's your
partner's children,
you may feel frustrated
by the lack of control
you have over the situation.
Being able to see things
from the children's
point of view may make
you more accepting of
the situation. There
are a number of things
children may be thinking.
Perhaps you've heard
some of the following:
"I was here
first" - hidden
beneath this statement
are strong feelings
of insecurity. Often
said by children who're
scared they're being
replaced by a new partner
and need reassurance
they're still important
to you.
"They're not
my real dad/mum"
- a very common statement
from a child who's missing
their other parent.
Remember, they have
a point and what they
need is lots of comfort
and support.
"It won't last"
- if your children have
witnessed the breakdown
of your previous relationship
it's not surprising
they may have some doubts
about this one too.
Rather than arguing
that you know what you're
doing, ask them for
their support in making
it work.
"It's not fair"
- when you find your
children challenging
your fairness, they're
looking for reassurance
that they're not being
forgotten. Make sure
they know they're special.
Divided
loyalties
You may actually
find it more difficult
if you do understand
your child's point of
view, because you might
not be able to do anything
to change the situation.
This is when you can
end up feeling like
piggy-in-the-middle,
trying to keep everyone
happy. You love your
kids and you love your
partner - you may feel
as though you're being
torn in two.
There may be some things
you can change to ease
the situation, but there'll
be many over which you
have no control. All
you can do is explain
the all concerned that
you love them very much
and you understand how
they feel.
If everyone wants to
move forward as a happy
family, they're going
to have to learn to
accept you as a couple
and compromise.
The
benefits of stepfamilies
- Working with
your partner to
resolve the initial
difficulties can
create a special
bond.
- Children can
gain a wider family
with even more
people to care
for them and support
them as they grow
up.
- Perhaps most
importantly, you
can show your
children that
whatever may have
happened in the
past, you can
have a second
chance and really
enjoy life again.
Further
help
Happy families
don't happen over night.
When you can, make the
time to sit down as
a couple and talk about
the situation. Don't
fall into the trap of
taking your frustrations
out on each other. Instead,
try to see that it's
the situation that's
causing the problem,
not your relationship.
If you find you're
just slipping into a
pattern of arguments,
you might want to consider
talking it through with
an objective third party.
To find out more, see
Do
you need counselling?
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