New roles
Whichever partner takes time off
work to care for your baby, it will
take you both time to adjust to your
new roles as parents, which bring with
them some common anxieties.
Common anxieties for fathers:
- Will I be a good enough father?
- How can I work full-time, help my
partner, be with my child and still
have time for me?
- Can I earn enough money to look
after us? What if I lose my job?
- My partner is so absorbed with the
baby, will we ever be a normal couple
again?
Common anxieties for
mothers:
- Will I be a good enough mother?
- Will my body ever feel normal again?
- Can I protect my baby from the dangers
of the world?
- How do I feel about being financially
dependent on my partner?
- Will I ever have a life of my own
again?
Tips
for bonding with your baby
- Bath the baby together - or
even better, all get in the tub.
- Find some time every morning
when the three of you can snuggle
up with each other.
- Share the babycare. For example,
while one of you changes the nappy,
the other can keep the baby entertained.
The
joys and trials of parenting
For couples, becoming a parent
is a joyful time. You may find yourself
spending hours staring at your creation,
marvelling at the perfect little fingers
and toes. Each new development is a
milestone to share: the first smile,
the first solids - the first night slept
through! Learning to be parents can
be a bonding experience.
But with the joy come the trials. The
biggest problem by far is lack of sleep.
Exhaustion can make us feel physically
ill, mentally drained and emotionally
raw. Even the smallest disagreements
seem huge.
Here are the most common issues that
arise:
Money - or rather,
the lack of it. The change in financial
balance if one of you gives up work
may also cause problems. See Money
trouble.
Time - finding enough
time for your baby, for each other,
for your job and for yourself becomes
an ongoing battle. See 'Tips for creating
couple time', below.
Sex - even if you
find the time and the energy, you've
still got to muster up the enthusiasm,
and 80 per cent of new mums report lowered
desire in the first months.
Household chores -
instead of blaming each other when the
house is a mess and there's no food
in the fridge, learn to relax in spite
of the chaos. Life will return to normal
eventually; in the meantime, order a
pizza and turn the lights down low so
you can't see the mess.
The in-laws - there's
a thin line between helpful involvement
and interference, and it often depends
on your mood. Remember to take whatever
help is offered, but be insistent about
those things that are important to you.
Tips
for creating couple time
- Remember, all couple time counts,
whether it's a two-minute hug
or a weekend away.
- Be alert and grab every opportunity
to have a bit of time alone.
- Write a list of things you used
to enjoy and work out which ones
you can still do when the baby's
around.
- Get a babysitter, even if it's
so you can spend just 30 minutes
alone.
How to resolve issues
Talk, talk, talk and more talk.
It can be difficult to keep lines of
communication open when you're both
busy and exhausted, but it's the most
important thing you can do to prevent
minor issues becoming major problems.
Try to find at least one hour a week
when you can talk through how things
are going. By all means share your feelings,
but make sure it doesn't turn into a
whingeing session. You might find Resolving
issues and Talk
and listen helpful.
Remember, when you invest time in your
relationship you're also investing time
in your child's future happiness.
Recommended reading
Baby Shock!: Your Relationship
Survival Guide by Elizabeth Martyn (Vermilion)
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective
Families by Stephen R. Covey (Simon
& Schuster)
Fatherhood Reclaimed: The Making of
the Modern Father by Adrienne Burgess
(Vermilion)
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