Changing times
For the first time in perhaps 20 or more
years, there's just you and your partner at
home. If your current partner is not also the
parent of your children, this could be the first
time the two of you have ever lived alone.
In olden times children left home in their
mid to late teens, but now it's not uncommon
for children to stay at home well into their
twenties. In fact, the number of adults 20-25
living with their parents has increased by almost
a third from 1991-2003 (Figures from the Office
of National Statistics). What's more, in the
past, when children left home, they stayed away.
But now an increasing number of children will
return home after university or a period of
travelling, or when a job or relationship doesn't
work out as they'd hoped.
But what hasn't changed is the fact that life,
as you had known it for many years has changed
- and may never be the same again.
Mixed emotions
Psychologists have coined the term 'empty
nest syndrome' to describe the mixture of emotions
that couples experience during this phase of
their lives. Up until now, children will, to
a lesser or greater degree, have relied on you
for their emotional and physical stability.
Now, it's time for them to launch themselves
into the world as independent adults.
For some parents, this can leave them feeling
lost and redundant. The role they played as
nurturer and protector has gone. A recent survey
by BT Openworld found that 40% of parents missed
their hands-on role. Others find this a freeing
experience. A time when they can focus on their
own needs and desires, rather than having to
think about the best interests of the wider
family. For most, there are mixed feelings.
Freedom and loss. Pain and pleasure.
Looking forward, not back
For some people, children leaving home
makes them feel older and greyer than their
years. Many parents feel energised by the endless
activities of their offspring, so when they're
gone, they feel empty and tired. But now that
we live longer and healthier lives, you can
look forward to another 20, 30 or 40 years of
active life. As a couple you can help each other
to ensure that the years ahead are as fulfilling
as the years gone by.
To an outsider, this stage in your life may
look similar to when you first met. It's just
the two of you deciding how you would like your
life and your relationship to be. But it's important
to remember that both of you have grown and
changed since you first met. Some couples want
to re-create the relationship they had before
children, but it can't be the same. You have
the wisdom of many years together. You know
each other very well and it's important that
you look forward, not back.
New opportunities
With the wisdom of years, time on your
hands and hopefully a bit more cash in the bank,
you and your partner can explore new opportunities.
How you choose to use your time will be up to
you, but be sure that you are sharing the experiences
together. Even if you're doing separate activities,
be sure to chat about your day and enjoy learning
more about each other as individuals.
Things to do
- take up a new hobby or sport to keep
your body fit and supple
- exercise your brain by joining an adult
education class
- broaden your horizons by visiting places
you've never been - home and abroad
- ignite your spirit by joining a social
action group
- relight your passions and experiment
with some new sexual tricks
If the future looks bleak
Sometimes children are a useful distraction
from problems within the relationship. With
all energy focussed on the children, other issues
can be avoided. You may even have made the conscious
decision to 'stay together for the children'.
Other couples simply find that having spent
so many years with the children around, suddenly
they seem to have nothing in common and little
to talk about. If you've been avoiding difficulties
and differences for years, this may be decision
time for you. You might find it helpful to look
at Is
your relationship over or the LDR
Online Quiz or Do
you need counselling?
Finding yourselves alone can be both exciting
and daunting. And with all changes in life,
it's not so much the circumstances that matter,
but the attitude you have towards them. Some
couples love the new found freedom and opportunities
while others take time to adjust and have to
relearn how to be a couple. Either way, now
is a time of new beginnings.
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