Why
people avoid
commitment
If you
want to take
the next step
with your relationship
and your partner
is shying away,
it's a natural
reaction to
think there
must be something
wrong with you.
But if they're
showing no signs
of wanting to
leave the relationship
this is unlikely
to be the case.
More often it's
to do with not
feeling ready
or fears that
the relationship
won't work out.
There are three
main reasons
why some people
find it difficult
to commit to
a relationship:
- they feel
it's too soon
- they're
scared the
relationship
won't work
- they're
in love with
romance
Too
soon
 There's
no right
or wrong
speed for
a developing
relationship
There's no
right or wrong
speed for a
developing relationship.
Everyone needs
to go at his
or her own pace.
Perhaps they
feel they need
more time to
get to know
you, to grow
together and
work through
differences.
Some people
need more time
to get to know
themselves and
explore their
expectations
of life. There
may be things
they feel they
need to sort
out before committing
to the relationship,
such as a career
or issues with
family members.
People who
have been hurt
in the past
often need longer
than others
to feel sure
of their feelings
and confident
that they can
trust those
feelings.
Relationship
fears
Anxiety
over whether
the relationship
will work is
the most common
reason why some
people find
it hard to commit.
As divorce rates
continue, it’s
not surprising
that fears are
growing about
the permanence
of relationships.
If someone comes
from a family
background where
there was divorce,
they're even
more likely
to be anxious
that the same
could happen
to them.
There will
never be a guarantee
that a relationship
will work, but
the longer you've
been together,
the better your
chances and
your confidence.
In
love with romance
While
a lot of people
see romance
as part of the
chase, others
have little
desire to catch
a mate but prefer
to spend their
lives chasing.
Some
people simply
can't accept
the sacrifices
commitment
brings
Some people
simply can't
accept the sacrifices
commitment brings.
Some are in
love with the
newness and
excitement of
romance and
simply don't
feel they can
honestly make
the commitment
to faithfulness
that most partners
expect.
How
to cope
Whatever
the reason for
your partner
not wanting
to commit, the
following should
help you to
communicate
better and cope
with the waiting.
- Explore
the reasons.
While you
may not be
able to directly
change your
partner, understanding
why they feel
as they do
will help
you accept
their position.
- Give
reassurance.
If you find
they're fearful
the relationship
won't work
out, then
offer plenty
of reassurance
that you're
committed
to working
at the relationship
through good
times and
bad.
- Set
time posts.
Rather than
feeling you
have to wait
indefinitely,
set yourself
time posts.
Decide that
you'll review
how you’re
both feeling
about commitment
every six
months - or
whatever period
feels right
for you.
- Enjoy
yourselves.
Once you've
agreed that
you've put
the commitment
issue on hold
for six months,
make sure
you do everything
you can to
forget it
and enjoy
all the other
aspects of
your relationship.
- Plan
practice runs.
If there are
particular
issues that
your partner
is concerned
about then
do what you
can to rehearse
the situations.
Perhaps you
could holiday
together,
spend more
time with
in-laws or
just discuss
some of the
tricky issues
that you still
need to resolve.
- Consider
counselling.
If some of
the issues
seem quite
deep rooted
then consider
couple
counselling
.
- Remember
you have a
choice.
This one may
seem very
difficult,
but it's true.
You can decide
to wait for
your partner
or to leave.
This isn't
to say it
would be an
easy decision,
but ultimately
you do have
a choice.
If you think
you need to
explore this
then you might
find it helpful
to read Is
it over?.
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