As an individual
going through bereavement, you
may feel the bottom has fallen
out of your world; as part of
a couple, you have to work out
how to support your partner
while struggling with your own
despair.
Patterns
of grief
There's a recognised pattern
of grief. It starts with shock
and disbelief, moves into a
period of yearning and anxiety.
Then follows a time of anger
and protest before sadness and
moving on.
Of course, this pattern is
only a generalisation - the
intensity and length of each
phase can vary hugely from person
to person. There's no right
or wrong way to grieve: how
we mourn is as unique as we
are.
For couples, these differences
can cause additional distress.
At a time when you desperately
need to share your grief and
feel close to someone, it can
be difficult to understand why
your partner isn't reacting
in the same way as you.
Some of these differences are
down to personality: some people
naturally become more introverted
and introspective, while others
are more expressive and reach
out. Further differences can
result from childhood experiences
of loss, and family messages
about how grief should be managed.
Types of
bereavement
Different bereavements
bring their own challenges.
Lost parent -
our relationship with our parents
is unique, and partners can
struggle to comprehend all that
has been lost. Since the person
who has lost the parent is likely
to be struggling more, their
partner is in a stronger position
to provide support. Being there
to listen and being aware of
any anniversaries that might
reawaken feelings of loss can
help.
Lost pregnancy
- wanted pregnancies are met
with joy and expectations but,
unfortunately, things don't
always go to plan. Genetic difficulties
may mean couples have to make
difficult decisions about termination,
while others experience inexplicable
miscarriages. The nature of
pregnancy means the mother may
feel this loss more intensely
than her partner; in turn, the
partner may struggle to understand
the depth of emotion. However,
often fathers feel adrift in
the mourning process, with little
support or understanding of
the loss they've also experienced.
Lost baby
- if a baby is stillborn or
lost in the first few months,
the mother may be particularly
absorbed by self-blame and reproach,
wondering what she might have
done wrong. Partners often try
to offer rational support, but
they too have to struggle with
unanswered question "Why?"
Lost child
- most people agree this is
the greatest and most shocking
bereavement any of us can face.
With both parents sharing the
grief so equally, it can be
particularly difficult to accept
differences in the mourning
process. It's not uncommon for
one partner to be in the anger
stage, for example, while the
other's stuck in sadness. Understanding
that both are a natural part
of the grieving process is essential.
It's also common for one partner
to take the coping role and
be responsible for holding life
together. It's important that
you encourage each other to
share such roles.
Helping each
other
Although every grief situation
and individual reaction is unique,
you may find the following guidelines
helpful for your relationship.
- Remember, you're both different
and there's no right or wrong
way to cope with loss.
- Make time to be together,
both to share your feelings
and talk about the future.
- Help and encourage each
other to keep as many routines
going as possible.
- Create opportunities to
do pleasurable things together,
such as going for a walk or
watching a film.
- Encourage each other to
take time for yourselves.
- Don't make any major changes
in your life for at least
12 months.
- Allow yourselves to be upset
or angry together, without
feeling that one of you must
lift the other.
- Remember to give each other
plenty of physical affection.
Further help
Whatever the loss, couples
find themselves having to adapt
and adjust to new circumstances.
It's the nature of grief that
people can feel isolated, but
once healing begins couples
often find they feel closer
than ever before.
However, if you're finding
it particularly hard to manage
as a couple, you might find
counselling can help you to
keep your relationship together
through this difficult period.
|
