Why affairs happen
There are as many reasons why people have
affairs as there are people. But usually an
affair is an external sign of an internal desire
for change. Something in the person's life or
the relationship isn't OK - and the affair creates
the trigger for change.
Affairs aren't only about sex. In fact, relationship
experts maintain that any intimate activity
between two people that breaches the trust of
a partner constitutes an affair.
Is your relationship
at risk?
Here are some common causes of affairs
- Relationship problems
- if you're unhappy in your relationship
you'll be more tempted to look elsewhere.
- Boredom - if you're
bored with your life, an affair may seem
like an adventure.
- Low self-esteem - you
may need reassurance that you're attractive
and loveable.
Types
of affairs
Although there are many reasons for affairs,
most fall into one of four categories:
The boat-rocking affair -
when one partner has an underlying dissatisfaction
with the relationship. The affair is an unconscious
way of drawing attention to the problem and
bringing things into the open.
The exit affair - when an
affair is used to get out of a relationship.
Rather than confront the fact that a relationship
isn't working, an affair forces the issue.
The thrill affair - the illicit
nature of an affair brings with it an adrenaline
rush. Add to that the excitement of sex with
someone new and the romantic trimmings of a
fresh relationship, and it can seem irresistible.
The three's company affair
- can go on for years; it can also describe
a string of successive affairs. Some people
find it difficult to commit to one person; they
feel stifled by monogamy and fear putting all
their emotional eggs in one basket. Having a
third person on the scene can provide an outlet
for difficult emotions.
Tips
to help avoid affairs
- Be open - honesty is the
key to avoiding affairs. Share any temptations
with your partner and agree to support each
other.
- Be close - build and maintain
emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship.
The closer you are, the stronger you are.
- Be smart - don't slip into
complacency: everyone is vulnerable to temptation.
- Be alert - if you find
yourself feeling attracted to someone, take
action to avoid getting any closer.
- Behave - if you'd describe
yourself as a natural flirt, remember: if
you don't want to get burned, don't play with
fire.
When
affairs are discovered
Whether the discovery of an affair is
gradual or sudden, shock is the first emotion
you're likely to experience.
When the shock wears off, you may be left with
feelings of anger, sadness, confusion and perhaps
embarrassment, especially if you were the one
being unfaithful.
Most people find themselves wondering how this
could have happened and questioning whether
there can be any future for their relationship.
Surviving
the affair
Trust is essential for a healthy relationship,
and it's something we often take for granted
until it's gone. If you're the one that's had
the affair, you'll need to work hard at reassuring
your partner that it's them you truly love and
that you've learnt from your mistake.
If you're the one who's been cheated, you may
find yourself asking questions for a long time.
But as time passes, you'll find yourself feeling
more secure and confident about your relationship.
Trust only takes a moment to break, but much,
much longer to rebuild. At first it may feel
that your relationship will never recover, but
with hard work and patience it can survive.
An affair always signals a turning point in
a relationship - but it doesn't have to signal
the end.
Further
help
Some people prefer to work through their
problems on their own, but others find counselling
can help. If you're not sure whether this would
be right for you, or if you want to find out
more about it, take a look at Do
you need counselling?
Also check out our User Forums
for more help.
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