Family ties
Unfortunately, we can't choose
our in-laws - when you fall in love
with someone, their parents come as
part of the package. For many couples
this isn't a problem, but the fact that
in-law jokes have been around for years
shows that for many others conflict
is nothing new.
The root of most problems is the difference
in upbringing. Each family has its own
values, traditions and routines. Everything,
from the way children should be brought
up to how housework should be done,
is deeply ingrained in a unique family
blueprint. When your in-laws' blueprint
is very different from your own, differences
of opinion and problems can arise.
A united front
To get on with your in-laws, you
and your partner must present a united
front. It can be difficult to stand
up to a parent and set boundaries and
rules, but if you and your partner can
agree and be supportive of each other,
you're more likely to succeed.
You may find you both have to work
at your communication skills before
you can do this together. For help,
see Talk
and listen.
Common problems
Here are some of the most common
areas of conflict between couples and
their respective in-laws, as well as
tips to help you overcome them.
Annoying habits -
everyone, including our in-laws, has
annoying habits. Whether it's putting
too much milk in the tea or retelling
the same stories a thousand times, we're
all guilty of something. As a couple,
make a list of the annoying things your
parents do. Then, summoning all the
good-will you can find, agree on the
ones you'll ignore or privately laugh
about. If there are some you really
can't live with, discuss the best way
of tactfully asking your in-law to stop
doing it. If it's your parent or parents,
chances are you'll know how to do this
best - whether it's using humour or
taking them aside for a quiet word.
Criticism - some in-laws
have no qualms about telling you if
they think you've done something wrong.
It's up to you to decide which comments
you'll ignore. Perhaps you can shrug
off comments about your cooking or lawn-mowing
skills, but decide as a couple that
you'll ask them to stop making judgements
about your career choices or parenting
abilities, for example.
Keeping in touch -
some families feel it's important to
talk every day, while others may go
months between phone calls. There's
no right or wrong amount to keep in
touch so if your partner's family style
is different from yours, you need to
accept this. But, if you feel it's getting
in the way of your relationship, you
need to agree some limits. You might
agree that phone calls after a certain
time will be picked up by the answering
machine, for example, or that surprise
visits are not OK.
Privacy - when it
comes to conversation, some families
may feel that no topic is out of bounds.
Others may have been brought up with
a clear sense that some issues should
remain private. As a couple you need
to agree which things are OK to talk
about with your parents and which should
remain private - financial matters,
for example, or health issues. You may
also decide that some things are OK
to discuss with one set of parents,
but not the other. Either way, make
sure you both know what you've agreed.
Family occasions -
weddings, holidays and festival days
such as Christmas are a cause of friction
for many families. Try to plan well
ahead and let everyone know what you've
decided. You and your partner may also
have strong feelings about family traditions,
so be prepared to compromise.
For some people, getting on with the
in-laws is a life long challenge. But
for most couples, it's something that
gets easier as you get to know them
better. There may be some life events
like having a new baby or moving home
that trigger additional difficulties,
but with love and understanding, these
difficult times can be an opportunity
to get even closer. Living as part of
a supportive extended family can be
hugely rewarding, so it's well worth
the effort.
|
