Differences of opinion are
normal and healthy in adult relationships and
learning to compromise is a skill required in
many areas of life. You might want to print
out this page and pin it to your notice board
to remind you both whenever a disagreement arises.
Before trying this exercise it's worth having
a look at the Guidelines
for exercises.
1. Stick to the issue in hand
- don't bring up previous misdemeanors or other
things you've been meaning to say.
2. Don't argue over trivia
- for example, arguing whether it was Monday
or Tuesday that you forgot the milk. The issue
is you forgot, not which day it was.
3. Start sentences with "I"
- for example, "I felt annoyed when you..."
rather than "You annoyed me when..." And "I
would like to go out more often," not "We should
go out more often."
4. Don't use absolutes - never
say "never", "always", "should" or "shouldn't".
They're irritating and often inaccurate. For
example, "You never wash up" will almost certainly
get a response of "What about when...?"
5. Let your opinions stand on their
own merits - don't be tempted to bring
in other people's opinions.
6. Try to stay sitting down, relax
your muscles and don't forget to breathe
- it's much easier to stay calm if you're not
pacing around the room.
7. Don't start throwing abuse around
- calling your partner lazy, fat or paranoid
isn't going to convince them to see your point
of view.
8. Be aware of your feelings and tell
your partner these as well - saying
"I'm scared you don't love me anymore" is likely
to get a better response than "You don't act
like you love me."
9. Try not to block the conversation
- don't interrupt, launch into a monologue or
expect them to be a mind-reader.
10. Agree to a code word for time out
- if one or both of you feels you're getting
overheated it's best to take some time away
from each other to calm down before going back
to the disagreement.
Remember, who wins the argument is irrelevant
if your relationship loses something. Always
try to confront the issue - not each other.
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