Stuck
in
a
rut?
Many
couples
notice
that
their
arguments
seem
to
follow
familiar
patterns.
They
may
always
erupt
from
nowhere,
for
example,
or
gradually
build
up
over
a
period
of
days.
As
individuals,
most
of
us
will
have
developed
a
particular
conflict
style,
learnt
from
years
of
watching
how
others
manage
their
differences.
Understanding
your
style
can
help
you
act
differently
and
get
out
of
'argument
ruts'.
If
there's
violence
Violence
or
threats
of
violence
are
never
acceptable
in
a
relationship.
If
arguments
are
always
aggressive,
or
you
avoid
conflict
because
you're
scared
things
may
get
out
of
control,
you
need
support.
You
can
contact
the
National
Domestic
Violence
hotline
at
1-800-799-SAFE
or
http://www.ndvh.org/
Which
style
are
you?
Here
are
some
of
the
most
common
styles
of
arguing.
Perhaps
you'll
recognise
yourself
in
some
of
them.
The
peacemaker
-
you
don't
like
arguments
and
see
it
as
your
responsibility
to
cool
things
down
and
sort
things
out
as
soon
as
possible,
even
if
this
means
ignoring
your
personal
needs
or
not
having
your
opinions
heard.
The
defensive
attacker
-
you
believe
that
the
faster
you
act,
the
better.
You're
highly
attuned
to
possible
disagreements
and
will
lay
down
the
law
or
issue
threats
to
prevent
a
full-scale
battle.
It
often
doesn't
work,
and
even
when
it
does
you're
left
wondering
if
perhaps
you
went
over
the
top.
The
subtle
striker
-
you're
tactical
and
persistent
in
making
your
feelings
known.
You
don't
like
full-on
attacks,
preferring
to
wait
for
your
partner
to
notice
something's
wrong.
You
may
use
silence,
nag,
moan
or
just
go
on
and
on
about
it.
You
often
get
there
eventually,
but
it's
a
slow
and
exhausting
process.
The
full-on
foe
-
you've
probably
had
to
fight
for
your
rights
all
your
life
and
will
always
give
as
good
as
you
get.
Although
you
look
tough,
you're
probably
terrified
of
getting
hurt
and
find
every
disagreement
a
painful
experience.
The
shock-absorber
-
you're
afraid
of
arguments
and
will
do
anything
to
avoid
getting
into
one.
Rather
than
defend
your
rights
or
attempt
to
put
across
your
point
of
view,
you
sit
quietly
waiting
for
the
storm
to
pass.
But
inside,
anger
and
resentment
may
be
building.
The
negotiator
-
you
genuinely
want
to
find
a
peaceful
solution
to
problems
without
anyone
getting
hurt.
You
listen
calmly
to
your
partner's
viewpoint
and
are
confident
when
sharing
your
own.
You
want
the
best
possible
outcome
for
your
relationship
and,
in
your
experience,
consideration
and
compromise
are
the
best
way
to
achieve
this.
Obviously
this
last
style
is
the
one
we're
all
aiming
to
adopt.
Conflict
is
natural
within
a
relationship
to
a
certain
degree,
but
it
should
be
constructive
not
destructive.
For
more
on
how
to
resolve
conflict,
have
a
look
at
Ways
to
make
peace.
Couples
who
don't
argue
Some
couples
don't
argue.
They
never
have.
The
fear
of
conflict
is
so
great
for
either
one,
or
both,
that
they
withdraw
from
anything
that
has
even
a
vague
whiff
of
confrontation.
To
outsiders
this
might
appear
to
be
a
perfect
relationship,
but
danger
can
lurk
beneath
the
calm
surface.
Differences
tend
to
be
repressed
or
ignored
because
there's
no
mechanism
to
handle
disagreements.
The
danger
is
that
resentments
will
build
until
one
person
just
leaves
the
relationship.
Avoiding
confrontation
can
actually
cause
the
abandonment
that's
most
feared.
Further
help
If
you
have
concerns
about
your
relationship,
try
talking
it
through
with
your
partner
or
a
trusted
friend,
or
you
might
want
to
consider
seeing
a
relationships
counsellor.
To
find
out
more,
go
to
Do
you
need
counselling?
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