Catherine and John
“When Catherine first moved back East, I ran out and tried to find books on long-distance relationships. One of them said that to keep from breaking up we had to talk to each other every day. Well, calling daily from California to Illinois isn’t cheap. Catherine suggested three times a week, which I agreed to, but I couldn’t help but think we were endangering the relationship by not talking daily like this particular book had said we should.”

Sarah and David
“When Sarah began her MBA work, we had to decide how often we would see one another. She lived four hours away, which meant that we could theoretically see each other every weekend or more. My first thought was ‘of course, we’ll see each other as often as we can.’ It seemed right that if you loved someone you’d want to be with him or her all the time. Sarah wanted time to work on her studies, and so she proposed seeing each other every two weeks. I’ll admit that I was hurt by the thought that she didn’t want to see me every weekend. It took a while to deprogram myself from presuming that, because she needed time away, she didn’t care anymore. Eventually I began to enjoy that weekend I had entirely to myself.”

These couples embody two of the issues that every LDR must face. John, a chemical engineer, was searching for data to help him decide what would be best for the relationship. He was looking for the right frequency of telephone calls and face-to-face visits. When their budget couldn’t support what he had been told was the right amount of telephone calls, they cut back, but at the expense of John’s anxiety that the relationship would fall apart.

Almost invariably while talking with someone newly involved in an LDR, the question of “how often should we . . .” comes up. While John searched for data in a book, David and Sarah searched for a mutually acceptable plan with each having their own idea of what was right. All LDRs face these questions: First, what is the right frequency of telephone calls and face-to-face visits for us? Second, what process will we use to decide what that right amount will be? This chapter will discuss both of these questions, and provide some actual data from our study, showing how often the average couple in an LDR visit, talk on the telephone, and write letters.

What Is the Right Amount of Visits and Telephone Calls?
Many researchers have tried to answer this question, as it could prove very important for separated couples. Suppose that research were to show that you had to visit once a week to make an LDR work. This would be critical information for those of us who counsel couples in separated relationships. In my own studies and review of the literature, I’ve focused heavily on trying to discover the answer to this question. Ultimately, the answer is both complicated and straightforward. It’s complicated because the studies have somewhat conflicting results. Some say that a certain amount of face-to-face visits is important, while others suggest that this variable plays little importance. I’m going to give you a brief primer of these studies and discuss how I view their results. (If this gets too technical, feel free to jump ahead a few paragraphs and just read the conclusions.)

Historically, relationship researchers and therapists have been of the opinion that separated relationships need fairly frequent face-to-face visits. Several articles, based on either professional opinion or interviewing techniques, have suggested that separated couples need to see one another about once a month to maintain intimacy.

I have great respect for these researchers and take their conclusions seriously. Generally, the next step after developing an idea through interview and professional opinion is to test the idea through rigorous research. This requires studies of large numbers of people in LDRs using some objective measures of relationship quality, frequency of face-to-face visits, and relationship success. One of the first studies to address this issue looked at 50 people currently in an LDR (considered the successful group) and 50 people who had been in an LDR, but had later ended their relationship (the failed group). The latter group answered the researchers’ questions by attempting to recall details about their failed LDRs. The authors found that the reported frequency of face-to- face visits was greater in the group of successful LDRs than in those of failed LDRs. However, they found that this was true only when they compared men in the successful LDR group to men in the failed LDR group. When they looked at women in the two groups there was no difference in the reported frequency of visits. The apparent conclusion is that for men in LDRs (but not for women) more frequent visits lead to a greater chance of staying together.

There are two difficulties with this study. The first revolves around the idea that a group of people who have been involved in an LDR, that eventually broke up, should be considered a “failed” LDR, while those currently involved in an LDR at an arbitrary point in time are “successful.” Certainly, many people in the “successful” LDR group will eventually break up. These people, who should eventually be correctly classified as being in the “failed” group, were considered “successful” simply because the researchers surveyed them at a point prior to their relationship ending. The second difficulty lies in the assumption that people in failed LDRs accurately recall the frequency of face-to-face visits. I’ve already mentioned that men in failed LDRs like to blame the distance for the breakup, rather than other factors. Quite conceivably, the men in the failed LDR group recalled fewer visits than actually occurred during their separation, in order to keep their theory of why the relationship ended consistent. They didn’t see their partners very often and, in their minds, this was what caused their relationships to fail.

A second study examined 134 people in LDRs and found that people who visited less than once a month were less satisfied with the relationship compared to those who visited more than once a month. Unfortunately, the researchers considered people to be in an LDR if they were separated by more than two miles. I’m concerned that this short distance might mean that large numbers of people in this study would not be in what most of us would call a long-distance relationship.

A third study looked at 37 married couples in LDRs. This study found that those who visited more frequently were “more happy with the commuter- marriage relationship.” Hopefully, all of you in an LDR would be happier with your relationship if you were able to visit one another more frequently. Unfortunately, this study did not address whether more frequent visits would lead to more successful relationships or more relationship intimacy, trust, or commitment. In contrast to these earlier studies, research involving 89 people in LDRs, followed over a three-month period, found that the frequency of visits did not predict which couples stayed together and which did not.

The largest study, which Dr. Clifford Swensen and I undertook, examined 202 people in LDRs. In this study, we found no connection between the frequency of face-to-face visits and any measure of relationship quality. We did additional studies to determine if this was accurate, as it seemed to run against common sense. First, we attempted to copy one of the earlier studies17 but redefined what it meant to be a “successful” LDR. We looked at 90 couples who had been in an LDR and then closed the distance after achieving their career or educational goals and continued to date (the “successful” LDR group). These were compared to those LDRs that had broken up while separated. In this comparison, we found that those who broke up visited just as often as those who stayed together.

This still didn’t particularly satisfy me, as it seems obvious that separated couples should visit one another frequently. Therefore, we did another study. We followed couples in LDRs over six months and looked at those who had broken up, as compared to those who stayed together. Once again, there was no difference in the frequency of face-to-face visits.

What does all this mean? My interpretation of these studies is that the research is inconclusive. Any time that several studies show conflicting results, it usually means that there is no large effect. If, for example, it were vitally important to visit one another at least once a month, than most, if not all, studies should show this.

Survival Tip # 37
Remember that research has shown little connection between how frequently you visit your partner and how successful your LDR will be. Decide for yourselves how often you can get together. Whatever your decision, be comforted that it is the right amount for your relationship.

While ultimately there may be an advantage to those who see one another more often, this advantage is small, if it exists at all.

My own opinion is that no right amount of visits exists. The same concept applies to telephone calls. In fact, there’s even a trend for less satisfied couples to talk more often on the telephone, as they may be trying to work out problems in the relationship. This is good news for LDRs. It means that rather than having to try to maintain a certain minimum amount of contact, you and your partner can work out the amount that best fits you both. If talking on the telephone once every two weeks works for you, keep it up. If you decide to visit every three months, that’s fine. It doesn’t matter when it comes to keeping a good LDR going strong. One caveat, however: Because so few participants visited their partner less than once every six months, we simply don’t know what happens to these special LDRs. But if you plan on visiting more than twice a year, you can be confident that whatever frequency you and your partner pick will probably be the right one.

How Often Do Most People Visit and Call?
Geographically close relationships constitute the norm in our society and, as a result, those of us in long- distance relationships have relatively little exposure to role models of LDRs. How often do most people in LDRs visit one another? How often do they call one another? How long do most people expect to be separated before moving closer to one another? Is our LDR a normal LDR or are we a special case? Answers to these questions help us develop realistic expectations and provide us a background with which to compare our own experiences. We all have numerous occasions to observe geographically close relationships: our parents, friends, and television characters (far from normal I realize, but they reflect society’s norms.) Once we have a framework of society’s expectations, we can then accept or reject them as we please. A complete lack of norms to guide expectations can lead to trouble. Therapists routinely see couples whose difficulties stem from one or both partners failing to meet the expectations of the other. This is hard enough when in a relationship with relatively clear expectations, let alone in an LDR.

To help provide some idea of what others in LDRs are doing, I’ve constructed a table with the results of our study of more than 200 LDRs. A separate study looking at 124 people in LDRs has numbers very similar to these, so I believe the numbers are a reasonably accurate representation.

Survival Tip # 38
Take a minute to compare your LDR to those of others shown in the table. Feel free to break these norms and do whatever you like in your own relationship. But realize that simply knowing what others are doing helps support your relationship at a distance by giving you a framework in which to place your own unique situation.

These statistics come primarily from couples in premarital relationships, so married couples likely differ to some extent. By providing these numbers I am in no way suggesting that your own LDR should struggle to conform to the group norms. As I’ve said in earlier chapters, the success or failure of your LDR depends very little on these demographic issues. These numbers should simply help you understand the social context in which your own relationship takes place. The following table shows both the average (median) response and the range of 95% of the LDRs.

Some Interesting Statistics About LDRs
How far apart?
Average: 125 miles
95% range: 30 miles to 950 miles

How often do you visit one another?
Average: 1.5 times a month
95% range: once a week to once every four months

How often do you call one another?
Average: once every 2.7 days
95% range: at least once a day to once a month

How long are your telephone calls typically?
Average: 30 minutes
95% range: 2 minutes to 1 hour 20 minutes

How often do you write one another (not including email)?
Average: three letters a month
95% range: never to every other day

How long do you expect to be separated before you can move closer to one another?
Average: 14 months
95% Range: one month to four years